Well okay. That's a lie. The last few months have sucked.
So, now its time for some backstory....
In 2008 I was diagnosed with manic depression and severe anxiety. Along with a bunch of other crap, that for the purpose of this fall into those two broad categories. Over the years I have taken antidepressants, gone to counselling, spiraled in and out of control. Its been fun. 🙅 Especially for my family.
Sometime I can tell when I am loosing my shit. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes even when I do notice I don't do anything about it because its either too late or I feel there are more important things to deal with than myself. It's ongoing. It's cyclical. It fucking sucks.
Now for the more recent events....
About a year ago I purposely went off all of my prescription medication. I did this on purpose with the approval of two different doctors. Why? Because if you actually looked at what I was taking everything was a class D medication. This was bad because hope I had was to have a baby and class D meds are either harmful to the fetus and not recommended during pregnancy. Or there has not been enough long term research (the drug is new like 30 years old) to show what the long term side effects are. Class D medications are used during pregnancy if the mothers life is in danger. Like if it is safer for me to control my depression with medications that would be a reason to stay on said medication for as long as possible. So, anyway having a child was the goal. Doing it safely without meds was the goal. Not pregnant now. Never been pregnant. Bad experiment.
But anyway still not even the point of all of this. In August I started seeing a new neurologist. She prescribed a medicine for my headaches that I used for 3 months. It sucked. It didn't work. It made my headaches worse. It made my depression worse. So she switched it. As I sat in her office she kept saying 'okay well try this" to which I kept responding 'already tried didn't work". We did this for about 15 different medications. Finally, there was one, ONE fucking drug I haven't tried, so I was like yeah whatever I'll try it. It was Depakote.
**Depakote is a VERY AMAZINGLY dangerous drug for anyone who would like to keep living. the for most severe side effects of Depakote in order of what I think is most drastic to slightly, and god dammit I mean SLIGHTLY, less drastic are: 1) Death by suicide 2) Death by liver failure 3) Death by inflammation of your pancreas 4) Fetal harm/birth defects.**
I took this medication for 13 day. 13 days before I almost committed suicide. 13 days for me to go from barely holding on to my shit to completely loosing my shit. Now, I am not a stupid person. I know I should not have taken a drug that would bring out side bad side effects, but I am also not a doctor. I didn't think twice about taking it. If it was going to help my headaches I was all for it. Shit, I wanted it to work. Nope it did not. But I also had the presence of mind to not harm myself and go to my doctor and spend a lovely 29 hours in the hospital. Not everyone is that lucky. Not everyone actually reads the informational sheet that comes with their prescription. Actually I never do this, I just happened to do it with this one. And I walked around the house for hours with the paper in my hand complaining and bitching and yelling about the fact the drug was going to kill me. But even after my hours of ranting I still took the pills, for 13 really bad days.
Now I am home. Now I am working on taking care of myself. Now I need to find someone to see and to prescribe me meds. Now I can not go back to work because I don't trust myself. Now instead of being approximately 64% confident in myself I am approximately -452% confident.
Today the dog had possibly completely blood diarrhea. I sat on the floor and cried. Because, shit, what else was I going to do.
The dog is fine. He slept all day.
I am not. I am a very large work in progress.
*I have not reread this so I don't know if it makes sense, if there are any typos, missing words, or grammar or spelling errors. I will not reread this. Probably ever.
